2005
I had a wonderful holiday break, and I hope you did as well. Didn't really do much other than sleep in, when I could, lay around and play with my son. We did manage a trip to York, but that was a daytrip, so for the most part, my holiday was spent in housepants and a t-shirt.
I was asked if I have any resolutions for the new year, and here is my succinct response: No.
Here's a longer response: I don't really believe that any one day is better than any other day to set arbitrary goals for myself. I don't want to set myself up for feeling bad about doing or not doing something because I had told myself that it was going to be different. I'm pretty proud of my accomplishments so far, but I'm also well aware that there are things about myself that need to be improved. The fact that December 31st turned into January 1st shouldn't be the catalyst for this thought any more than your birthday should make you feel older than you did the day before.
I've also been pretty good about making improvements to myself when I was ready to make those improvements. For example, I bit my fingernails for as long as I could remember. Actually, this was more than the ordinary fingernail biting, I tended to chew on the ends of my fingers all the way up to the first knuckle. This was the kind of thing that was embarrassing firstly because it was unsightly...my hands looked beat down, and secondly, and more importantly, because it was a constant reminder that I couldn't control my own impulses. It was as obvious as the back of my hand (quite literally) that I couldn't stop. Possibly the worst thing about this was that I never really knew how to stop...I didn't have a starting point. Was it better to try to go cold turkey or slowly wean myself? I didn't know, and I used this as an excuse to not improve the situation.
I guess I could have done a lot of introspection and navel gazing to figure out what the nail biting was a symptom of (after all, I'm a pretty firm believer that most compulsive behaviors are manifestations of other problems), but I never really thought about it. It was comfortable, kinda like a security blanket. It didn't matter that I was embarrassed by my hands, I didn't have a reason to stop. Of course, this line of thinking always lead me to a pretty obvious conclusion...namely, as soon as I have a reason to stop, I would...after all, I was in control, right (at least, I kept telling myself that, I can delude myself as well as anyone can). After a while, it dawned on my that this line of thinking was always going to put the doing of the thing off in favor of the contemplation of the thing.
That realization set me free, because, I was able to realize that stopping my bad habits was my own responsibility. I had to do it for myself, which meant that I had to stop feeling comfortable about it. As soon as I was able to do this, the change was amazingly easy to make. I just had to recognize the impact that my actions had on my well-being (mentally and physically). I can sit here, comfortable in front of my computer, and say that I did it because I didn't want my son to see that behaviour and think it was okay, or I could say that I was sick of my wife pointing out my shortcoming to me in her misguided but well-meaning efforts to get me to stop. I could come up with any number of other reasons that I stopped, confident in the knowledge that none of them are real...although they're all very nice ancillary benefits. But when it comes right down to it, I stopped because I was ready to stop. The fact that I was successful proves (to me, at least) that I'm actually in control of my life...I'm capable of making decisions to better myself.
That being said, I'm very confident that I can do anything that I feel necessary to improve myself in the future...if that means running a marathon, then so be it. I don't need December 31st to give me the impetus to make that decision...
I had a wonderful holiday break, and I hope you did as well. Didn't really do much other than sleep in, when I could, lay around and play with my son. We did manage a trip to York, but that was a daytrip, so for the most part, my holiday was spent in housepants and a t-shirt.
I was asked if I have any resolutions for the new year, and here is my succinct response: No.
Here's a longer response: I don't really believe that any one day is better than any other day to set arbitrary goals for myself. I don't want to set myself up for feeling bad about doing or not doing something because I had told myself that it was going to be different. I'm pretty proud of my accomplishments so far, but I'm also well aware that there are things about myself that need to be improved. The fact that December 31st turned into January 1st shouldn't be the catalyst for this thought any more than your birthday should make you feel older than you did the day before.
I've also been pretty good about making improvements to myself when I was ready to make those improvements. For example, I bit my fingernails for as long as I could remember. Actually, this was more than the ordinary fingernail biting, I tended to chew on the ends of my fingers all the way up to the first knuckle. This was the kind of thing that was embarrassing firstly because it was unsightly...my hands looked beat down, and secondly, and more importantly, because it was a constant reminder that I couldn't control my own impulses. It was as obvious as the back of my hand (quite literally) that I couldn't stop. Possibly the worst thing about this was that I never really knew how to stop...I didn't have a starting point. Was it better to try to go cold turkey or slowly wean myself? I didn't know, and I used this as an excuse to not improve the situation.
I guess I could have done a lot of introspection and navel gazing to figure out what the nail biting was a symptom of (after all, I'm a pretty firm believer that most compulsive behaviors are manifestations of other problems), but I never really thought about it. It was comfortable, kinda like a security blanket. It didn't matter that I was embarrassed by my hands, I didn't have a reason to stop. Of course, this line of thinking always lead me to a pretty obvious conclusion...namely, as soon as I have a reason to stop, I would...after all, I was in control, right (at least, I kept telling myself that, I can delude myself as well as anyone can). After a while, it dawned on my that this line of thinking was always going to put the doing of the thing off in favor of the contemplation of the thing.
That realization set me free, because, I was able to realize that stopping my bad habits was my own responsibility. I had to do it for myself, which meant that I had to stop feeling comfortable about it. As soon as I was able to do this, the change was amazingly easy to make. I just had to recognize the impact that my actions had on my well-being (mentally and physically). I can sit here, comfortable in front of my computer, and say that I did it because I didn't want my son to see that behaviour and think it was okay, or I could say that I was sick of my wife pointing out my shortcoming to me in her misguided but well-meaning efforts to get me to stop. I could come up with any number of other reasons that I stopped, confident in the knowledge that none of them are real...although they're all very nice ancillary benefits. But when it comes right down to it, I stopped because I was ready to stop. The fact that I was successful proves (to me, at least) that I'm actually in control of my life...I'm capable of making decisions to better myself.
That being said, I'm very confident that I can do anything that I feel necessary to improve myself in the future...if that means running a marathon, then so be it. I don't need December 31st to give me the impetus to make that decision...
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